the dreamer

I hope this blog finds you in good graces and in a beautiful space. But if not, bc I know life can be shitty, I pray the goodness finds you soon.

Wow, I missed it here so much. It is so good to be back. Apologies for leaving y’all hanging for a bit, I’ve just been navigating a cross-country move all by myself.. no big deal.

Can I get a little vulnerable though? I’ve  been super hard on myself for not being more consistent with my blog. I’m also simultaneously trying to remind myself that the most highly-anticipated life change has been in motion since February so it’s never too much on myself. Between family, creative & professional work plus this move.. I’ve just been doing the best I can, and I think I’ve done a pretty sick job so incorporating gentleness in my self-critique is how I’ve been staying ✨balanced✨.

The last six months have been so incredibly beautiful with so many ‘once in a lifetime’ experiences like performing Umrah with my parents, spending two months with my built-in best friend and nephew who I am deeply in love with and new creative pursuits that have continuously strengthened my skill/craft. The last six months have also been scattered with heavier moments ranging from grief, loss and disappointment. But that’s God’s promise to us. 

“Verily, with hardship comes ease” (Qur’an 94:5-6)

This verse has single-handedly carried me through my twenties, and alhumdulilah for His promises. I find so much comfort in knowing I don’t need to have control over everything lately, which is kind of crazy because I used to hate not being in control (still kind of do, I ain’t perfect). I’m so much more willing to release control these days. The thought that the same God that created this beautiful world also has His hand in my personal affairs is far more freeing— like how can I really lose for real? All praise is always due to the Most High.

If you know me, you know that New York has been on my moodboard since I was a kid. The interest started with a canvas my mom got at a garage sale that we had at home growing up of downtown Manhattan and it felt like the first of many bat signals I’d get for the dreamer in me to dream bigger than my bedroom. Having five older sisters, all of whom love television as much as I do, had Sex in the City and Living Single always playing in my home (when my parents weren’t home, of course) and the fascination only continued to grow. Then in high school my mom told me I was conceived in Harlem and as if I needed any more reason to be fanned out for this damn city, that  was 16yr old me’s last straw.

Looking back there were so many little instances that felt like crumbs leading up to this moment where I can now officially call myself a New York resident. Still, as many signs as I had to relocate here, I also got signs that felt like detours or rather, a full-on re-route. I made maybe 2-3 real attempts at moving here in the last ten years before it actually worked out which is kind of crazy to say. I’d apply for an apartment, get denied and lose all faith— it felt like a humiliation ritual. I remember being so confused at every closed door, because there was no way God intended for me to stay in Seattle for the rest of my life. 

Whole time God was preparing me.

To think this entire time I was being shaped by necessary life experiences, both good and bad, because I wasn’t ready yet is such a jarring yet comforting concept to me. Allah swt truly is All-Knowing and the Best of Planners because everything up until this point is just now starting to make sense to me. All the rejection truly was redirecting me all along. 

For my OG readers, you may remember me sharing my emphasis on wanting to leave my hometown in my very first blog and saying that I had intended to spend a little more time in Seattle to plant seeds before making my voyage to the East coast. When I wrote that, I was 28 and I knew while writing, there was no way in hell I’d spend my 30th still living in Seattle, afraid of my potential and terrified of the unknown. Despite not having any idea how I’d accomplish it, the feeling was strong enough to know that I’d make it happen, one way or another, because there is no greater fear to me than stagnancy. 

You may also recall me performing Umrah earlier this year and at the time I was conflicted because I had an real opportunity to relocate arise that one, sounded way too good to be true (it wasn’t) and two, required an immediate decision. I told myself if every time I thought a door was meant for me, God kept it closed for something better then surely this deeply spiritual journey to the Holy Land, would guide me in my decision making.

And guide me, it did.

I spent two weeks in the Holiest place on earth and spent every day asking Allah swt to catapult me into the life that is meant for me. It’s crazy to say but that is quite literally what happened. All of a sudden, doors started opening and the answers went from No’s to Yes’s. The support from my family and friends has been unreal and otherworldly, if I’m honest. I’m not used to being trusted to make the right decision (i’m rebellious and impulsive, remember?) but I think everyone saw  God in my decision, very clearly. I don’t need to say this but I will—I am by no measure a perfect Muslim, nobody is. However, I am a trying Muslim; a practicing Muslim who is heavily guided by my faith, so to experience my prayers being answered in this way felt truly divine. 

Little did I know, the prayer being answered was only the beginning.

I spent the next four months completely disconnected from any sort of social life, and locked tf in. I took extra steps to ensure I was financially ready, emotionally content and remained spiritually aligned. I also cried, A LOT. Not realizing it at the time, but I was knee-deep in the grief of a life I had to say goodbye to. I felt myself changing every day, which was trippy and weird as f*ck.

I began to notice people around me changing as well. You know when they say “you can’t take everyone with you into your next life”? Well, cliche or not, that’s exactly what ended up happening. As if I didn’t have enough to grieve, I was also experiencing a mountain of heartbreak during a time in my life that should’ve felt ethereal and magical. I’m truly a sensitive gangsta though just like my Amaya papaya because, boo-hoo tears or not, wasn’t nothing getting in the way of my dreams so I kept it pushing and put my trust back in God. Who and what is for me, is for me. End of story.

Now five months until I reach my 30th birthday, and I can’t help but feel like a kid and a grown-up all at the same time. The polarity in making my childhood dreams come true by feeding my inner child while still having very grown up responsibilities is an adjustment for sure but a welcomed one. I actually wouldn’t have it any other way.

In the last 18 months, I’ve accomplished more of my dreams than I ever have consecutively in my entire life. I’ve gotten real comfortable with imposter syndrome, I’ve almost fully let go of my fear of perception and I no longer doubt my discernment and intuition. I trust myself. I no longer believe in “time running out”. I don’t believe anyone is capable of doing what I do, in the way I do it and know I’ll feel success in that, alone. I no longer need anyone’s permission, input or belief in how I should exist or show up in the world. As a recovering people pleaser, all of these statements which were once insanely foreign to me have become deeply rooted in me as of late. So if nothing else, that is my personal favorite win of my twenties.

The rest of 2025, God-willing, will only continue to push me closer and closer to my purpose because every step I’ve taken in that direction has only resulted in growth and hunger. What’d Steve Jobs say, “stay hungry, stay foolish”? Yeah, that’s my vibe right now. Alhumdulilah

ciao for now —

always, in always ♥︎